Why is it so hard to make a decision? Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you are just unable to see the right choice? What would it feel like to find a clearer way out of a dilemma?
This coaching snippet shows a way of clarifying the process of decision making and finding trust in oneself so that one can move forward.
Having to make a choice is often paralysing. When offered a sweet in a shop, my daughter used to get herself so tangled in indecisiveness, she would eventually choose to leave empty handed and angry.
Making a choice or a decision means letting go of other options. And usually there is no way for us to know whether our decision was the right one. But we still have to make it.
Disentangling the threads of this knot can involve going back to previous situations in which we faced a dilemma, and trying to assess its ensuing impact. This is helpful in giving us a sense of trust and agency, knowing that we can manage the consequences of choosing, whether rightly or wrongly.
This conversation is an example of that. How does this resonate with you?
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Chloe and I have been talking for a while about her continued anxiety and stress prompted by anticipated changes in her life. Starting a new role at work, and moving home at the same time feels unsettling to her, and she finds herself paralysed with indecisiveness.
CHLOE
I have only been this stressed 3 times before in my life and all three times involved high stakes decisions. The first one was when I had to choose a university for my BA.
ME
Why was it such a tough choice to make?
CHLOE
Because all options were good options.
ME
So how did you choose?
CHLOE
Pretty randomly actually. Someone mentioned something about one of them which made me go for it.
ME
And was it a good choice?
CHLOE
I made it good. I made it work out.
(Pause)
The second one was when I had to choose my MA and whether to travel for it. I ended up choosing based on completely different criteria that had nothing to do with the quality of education.
ME
So what made you choose what you eventually chose?
CHLOE
I was running away from a bad relationship.
ME
And was it the right choice?
Chloe is quiet for a long time and is deep in thought.
CHLOE
(With some remorse)
Well. I don’t really know. It’s very possible that had I made a different choice I would have been in a completely different relationship and my life would have been completely different.
ME
Better?
CHLOE
I don’t know.
ME
So what I hear you say is that initially you learnt that whatever choice you make you can “make it work”. And then you tell me that you realise that it is hard to say whether a choice was right or wrong even in hindsight.
CHLOE
Yes, I guess.
ME
So how does that make you feel about your current dilemma?
CHLOE
That there’s no point in all this mulling around that makes me feel so helpless.
ME
What else?
Chloe thinks for a while.
CHLOE
If there’s no point in it then why do I do it?
ME
Why do you think?
CHLOE
I am not sure. I feel I need other people to help me decide. So I talk about it all the time. And every person advises me differently so it’s really hard to figure out the right way about things.
ME
But you just told me a minute ago that you “made your choice of university work”. As in, you know that you can make whatever you choose work for you.
CHLOE
Yes, that’s true.
ME
Do you ever know that a choice you didn’t make was better than the one you did?
Chloe smiles.
CHLOE
No. I guess I tend to tell myself that choosing differently would have been better. But I don’t actually have a way of knowing usually. No.
ME
So I’d like to suggest to you that when we have a dilemma like yours, of course we want to weigh out options and take all considerations to account, but ultimately we will never know which of the two options is the “right” one. If there is such a thing as “right. And that is where it becomes an invitation to practice our trust. Trust in ourselves, that we can make it work.
CHLOE
Yes, I didn’t think about it like that. And it is sometimes hard to remember.
ME
Does it make your choosing a little easier?
CHLOE
Nearly. I think it does in the sense that it reminds me that I have no way of knowing what the "best" or "right" choice is. That lifts the heaviness about it a little bit.
ME
And what else do you need to make it feel lighter?
CHLOE
I need to work on my trust. My self trust. Because even when I hear what I myself told you, I feel I am not quite there yet.
ME
Great. That’s a related but different area for us to look at. And it’s a different one from making a choice.
CHLOE
Yes, it is. How strange...
ME
Why strange?
CHLOE
Because I have been so absorbed in making a decision. And changing the focus of my thinking feels like a relief, even if it is opening a whole new area for me to explore… Self trust. I'm curious now.
*names and places have been changed to honour privacy
Illustrations by Evie Fridel
